Pansy Parkinson: The Real Story
by MyLookOfDenial
Summary: I never believed in happily ever afters and fairytales, even as a child I wasn’t foolish enough to believe such rubbish. Brought up in the Parkinson Manor, happy endings were mere myths and lies. Epilogue compatible.


PANSY PARKINSON: THE REAL STORY

I've always been cold and hard, an Ice Queen through and through. I've always been the first to tell someone the brutal truth of the matter, not sparing any feelings as I reined as queen, not caring about the people I had to get rid of to become the alpha bitch of the Slytherin house. I never believed in happily ever afters and fairytales, even as a child I wasn't foolish enough to believe such rubbish. After all brought up in the Parkinson Manor full of bitter words, spiteful games and hate filled expressions, happy endings were mere myths and lies. I was brought up by cold parents, with cold siblings in a cold house. I don't deny that my childhood was unhappy, if you tried to tell me otherwise I world probably laugh in your face, because it would be a blatant lie and we would both know it. I have always been a spiteful and hate filled girl, I was the youngest child, I was the 5th child and the only girl in the house. I had to be mean and cunning to make sure I was not overlooked or thought insignificant, my revenge had to be perfect or else my brothers would think they could get away with anything. From a young age I was the bottom of the heap, so to speak. But even so I made sure that people knew I could be just as mean as my brothers, just as much if a bitch as my mother and just as cold and unfeeling as my father.

People learnt not to let my innocent smiles fool them, they were cautious around me, my father learnt that he was a fool to blame me for things that had gone wrong because there would never be proof, yes, usually those things were my doing. My mother realised that forcing me to do anything would be a foolish thing to do. My brothers learnt to be cautious because manipulation was one of my very best skills, they also knew that I could be a two faced bitch, they knew that my happy smiles hid angry glares. I was brought up to be evil, I do not doubt that for one second, and I do that well, I am an Ice Queen through and through. I do not feel anything, ice has encapsulated my heart long ago and noone will ever penetrate the icy caverns of my mind.

***

I was meant for great things, I met Lord Voldemort at the age of 6 for the first time. My parents were his loyal followers and my brothers would all follow him too, if they were not already. I remember that day well, my mother and father told me that I had to look my best, so I put on my favourite dark forest green dress. It looked perfect on me, it made my ivory skin look even paler, in turn making my full pink lips seem even pinker. My incredibly pale green eyes looked sharp and alert, surrounded by my long thick and black lashes. My hair went to my shoulders in naturally perfect ringlets, I looked perfect, down to my little black pumps and my matching little black cloak. My mother and father had smiled and said I looked beautiful, and I did, my oldest brother Nathanial had said I looked like a true Slytherin, I had laughed and agreed with him. Nathanial is 12 years older than me and at the time he was 18 years old, Harrison my second oldest brother is 10 years older than me and was 16, Braden was 6 years older than me and my favourite brother, (joint first with Zachary anyway) he was never as cold and mean as Harrison and Nathanial, of course he was still a pureblood Slytherin through and through but he always looked out for me when the others were being especially mean he would stick up for me, after all I was only a little girl. At that time he was 12 and I remember he grinned at me and said I looked good. And then there was Zachary with so much to prove in life, he was the youngest boy, he had so much to live up to, he was my other favourite brother, Harrison had to be my least favourite brother, simply because he was always trying to prove himself and be that little bit meaner than the others. But anyway back to Zachary, he was 4 years older than me and 10 years old at that time, he always tried his best in whatever he did, he wasn't as tough as Nathanial, as athletic as Harrison, as clever as Braden or as evil filled as me. He was a good boy brought into an evil world full of Death Eaters and muggle killings and he did his best. Nathanial could take down practically anyone in a fight, Harrison was the best seeker for years at Hogwarts, Braden was the best at pretty much anything, they said he was as clever as Professor McGonagall was, but I very much doubted that, I was better at being mean than all my brother and everyone else. I was even better than Draco Malfoy my playmate of many years, and his father just happened to be the right hand man of Voldemort himself. Little Zachary was not strongly built like Nathanial, as lithe and able as Harrison, as quick witted as Braden or as harsh as me. Everyone in our long line of pure-blooded family had been put into Slytherin for centuries, and then poor Zachary was sorted into Gryffindor, my mother fainted from shock and my father threw such a rage it was unbelievable.

But that's not important now, I was talking about meeting Voldemort for the first time: We had had to travel by floo, I went with my mother, she held my small hand in hers for the short journey, then hastily let go as we met my bothers and father on the other side. My family never showed much love, holding my hand was far too emotional for my dear mother. We were in an old house and it had smelt of rot and decay, I knew that Voldemort was weak and he was in hiding, my father had told me that if I told anyone about the meeting I would be killed, he said he would do it himself, but I suspected he would probably have died of shame before he could even get to me.

We reached a large room and I saw Draco with his mother and father, my mother instantly began to talk to Narcissa and my father talked to Lucius. My brothers talked between themselves, even though they were mean and unkind to each other at times, they were still brothers and they always gravitated to each other, I was usually there too, but I went and talked to Draco, my oldest friend, well one of my only friends, and I was one of Draco's only friends too. We had stood together, and I remember that we had talked about Hogwarts, as was custom between young children of wizarding blood, we said that we would be in Slytherin together and rule the house, we had both got wrapped up in our fantasy world. That was until Lucius's harsh voice disturbed our dream land, '_come along boy, you're going to meet the Dark Lord.'_ He had said, I had wished Draco good luck and watched him walk away, I had stood with my brothers as Harrison and Nathanial talked about quidditch. Braden was not talking, he was thinking to himself, I remember that I began to talk to Zach about our coming holiday to France.

We had been called into the large room, I had walked past Draco and we had shared a smile as he ran to catch up with his parents. I had expected Voldemort to be so much more, I thought he would be a powerful man, the opposite of the Dumbledore I had seen on the chocolate frog cards. I had though that Voldemort would have a beard but it would be jet black and nowhere near as long as Dumbledore's, I didn't think his hair would be that long, maybe shoulder length, pitch black and perfectly straight. What I saw was not at all what I had thought, the thing that was supposed to be the greatest Dark Lord of all time was a sickly pale man who looked nearer death's door than taking over the world: His eyes were like slits, his lips thin and unattractive, he was frail, bald and bony. '_My Lord.' _My father had said and bowed in front of the throne, the rest of the family had done so too, so I curtseyed like my mother did, we stayed with our heads bowed until a raspy voice had said, '_you may stand up.' _So we did and he had smiled slightly, revealing yellow discoloured teeth, he had coughed slightly, a rasping noise that reminded me of a dying animal's cry of pain. I was not a foolish girl, I was not foolish enough to let my feelings show on my face, like a true Slytherin I kept it an icy mask of nothingness, like was customary for my family and mostly myself. He had put out a frail hand, which shook slightly as my father hastily stepped forwards and kissed it, my mother did the same, then in age order my brothers. I stepped forwards last and took his pale hand in my own, I pressed my lips to his clammy skin, curtseyed, and stepped back to beside my mother. He said we could go and we did after curtseying and bowing one last time we turned and left. The first time I met Voldemort I was unimpressed, but didn't dare mention it for fear of a punishment.

***

Everything truly began when I started at Hogwarts, on my first day at school. Zachary was still at school and Braden too, who was in his last year. I had nothing against Zachary, only my father did, my father told him that he should have thought more evil thoughts and begged to be in Slytherin, but it mattered little really. As long as he was loyal to the family and most of all the Dark Lord it was fine. Though I personally had my doubts about where Zach's allegiances lay I would never voice them, because he was my brother and I was at least loyal to my family, if not anyone else.

"Pansy!" I had heard Draco's unmistakable cry and had turned and grinned at him as he ran up to me, our parents were busy chatting as we boarded the train together. "I'm so excited Pans, we're going to be in Slytherin and everyone is going to look up to me and everything, after all I am a Malfoy." He said arrogantly, I coughed, my glare on him. "And of course you're a Parkinson Pansy." He said and grinned, I had laughed happily.

"It's going to be so much fun Draco, I can't wait." I had said happily, very much unlike myself really, I looked up as the door opened and Zach walked in, two of his Gryffindor friends with him.

"What do you want?" I asked, a hint of steel to my voice, being a little sister makes you tough.

"I hate first years, they're so arrogant and irritating, I bet she's going to be a little Slytherin bitch." One had said, glaring at me.

"You can fuck off, that's my sister!" Zach had said and I had glared at the one who had insulted me.

"Look I'm sorry mate, I didn't mean to insult you." He said glancing at me, I only glared.

"I'm not your mate Toby." My brother had said, smiling at me slightly before walking off, because we're loyal, always, maybe he was Gryffindor, but Gryffindor's are loyal after all aren't they.

"It's a shame he was put in Gryffindor." Draco said, I had agreed, at that moment Blaise, Daphne, Vincent and Gregory walked into the carriage, Daphne instantly sat beside me and Vince sat the other side of her as Blaise sat next to Draco with Greg next to him, in the square compartment. Daphne giggled next to me and I glanced at her, her hair was a dirty-blonde colour her eyes were a light blue colour and her skin was slightly tanned, I remembered my mother mentioning that they had been to the Caribbean, I presumed this was why her skin was so tanned. Her hair was wavy and went to just past her shoulder.

"Hi Pansy." She said, I smiled slightly, I didn't really like her much, her crush on Draco was plain annoying, she constantly talked about him, and as much as I liked Draco as a friend I can't say I wanted to talk about him every hour of the day.

"Hi Daphne, how are you?" I asked bored as I heard Draco and Blaise talking animatedly about quidditch, Greg and Vince just sat in silence, too dumb to even function without being told what to do.

"I'm great, how are you?" She said in annoyingly girly fake voice, she seemed to giggle after every sentence as she flicked her hair over her shoulder each time.

"I'm ok." I said, she leant forwards, her mouth next to my ear.

"Has Draco said he fancies me yet?" She whispered excitedly looking around to make sure noone heard.

"No, I don't think that he has." I said bored.

"Well of course you're saying that, you want him all to yourself don't you." She said glaring at me, I sighed.

"No Daphne I do not fancy Draco." I said, he turned around on the mention of his name.

"What?" he asked.

"Oh, Daphna asked me if you had told me that you fancied her, I said no and so she said that I fancied you, so I sad no." I replied bored, the door was pushed upon, it was Zach again, I smiled as him, "Hey Zach." I had said.

"Have you heard, apparently Harry Potter is on the train." He had told us, we had all gasped in shock and Draco stood up immediately.

"Crabbe, Goyle, we'll go see Potter, you coming Pans?" he asked, I liked the fact he asked me and not Daphne, who looked quite disappointed at that.

"Nah, you go ahead, tell me how it goes." I said, he turned on his heel, the bulk of Crabbe and Goyle on either side of him, like two bodyguards.

"Ok then, I'll be back in a bit." He said

"Do you want me to come Draco?" Daphne called after him, I stifled a giggle as he turned around and frowned at Daphne.

"No you're not tough enough." He said before walking off.

"Smooth Daphne, smooth." I said sarcastically.

"Shut up Pansy, I could take you any day." She said pulling out her wand, which I very much doubted she could do anything with except poke it at me. I ignored her and turned to Blaise, he had a look of amusement on his face, I've known Blaise for ages, in fact I knew all the occupants in the carriage from an early age, our parents were friends. Daphne sat down angrily and began to read a magazine, doing her best to look uncaring, but she looked annoyed at being shown up in front of everyone by yours truly.

The door flew open and Draco walked in, anger evident in his eyes, he sat down next to me and glared at the door angrily, he had a slight pink tint to his cheeks and I noticed Goyle rubbing one of his fingers on his right hand, I made no comment.

"What's wrong Draco?" Daphne asked him, mistake, she should have let him cool down first before asking questions.

"Just shut up Daphne! Noone cares about your opinion, and especially not me ok? I do not fancy you and nor will I ever!" He yelled, Daphne started to cry.

"Stop it Daphne, you'll never be a Slytherin if you're such a little girl." I said disapprovingly at her weakness, Daphne was always a wimp, a little girl, she was the oldest child, but her parents weren't like mine, or the Malfoy's, or the Zabini's, her parents were soft and their punishments were pathetic. Simply because they were nice, Daphne's father was a Slytherin and her mother was a Ravenclaw, she did not inherit her father's personality however, only his looks, she should rightfully have been a Ravenclaw, or even a Hufflepuff, too spineless and weak for even a Gryffindor. But she was a pureblood so she immediately was somewhere in the wizarding world, even if she was a weak pathetic little girl.

We stood in the Great Hall, waiting to be called up and be sorted into a house, Draco told me along the way about his run in with Potter and his rejection, Draco always told me everything, we had always been friends, so he confided in me about it, I just agreed with him when he said Harry Potter was an idiot and his Weasley friend was a blood traitor.

I was sorted into Slytherin of course, Zach cheered for me on the Gryffindor table, he was the only one, I saw him get some weird looks but he still cheered for his little sister, Braden cheered too on the Slytherin table, as did the whole of the table, I sat beside Draco and was accepted into the house I always I knew would be. There was no doubt in my mind throughout everything that I would be in Slytherin, it was cold and uncaring, just like me, and everyone was mean there, like me. I fitted perfectly and I was happy, in a weird kind of way, because even though it was a harsh and difficult reality to live I still enjoyed it because I was good at being mean and hurting people, sure Draco got a name for being a stuck up bastard. But I was a bitch, the Gryffindor boy was right when he said I'd be a Slytherin bitch, because I am, people know not to get on the wrong side of me, and if they don't they are fools.

***

I never fancied Draco, I was never in love with him like people said, we were friends, always had been, and when he asked me to be his girlfriends I said yes. We were 3rd year and I did find him attractive, most people did. So we dated, it wasn't too different from being friends, except we held hands and kissed. The kissing was nice actually, I liked the kissing, we were more intimate, more than just friends. I didn't like the way the girls were always jealous and glared at me, but I glared right back. I was, after all the Ice Queen of Slytherin, nothing fazed me, I would get them back if they ever got on the wrong side of me, they would pay and they knew it, they stopped being foolish and hurting me, they made sure to stay on my good side.

And that was life, I gave up so much for Draco, I lost my virginity to him towards the end of third year, he was my first kiss too, we were only about 11, in the summer before school started and we had decided that we should try it, so if anyone asked, we truly would have kissed someone. So we did, of course I kissed other boys in second year, but Draco was my first. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first friend, I had never gone further than a kiss with a boy before Draco either and he was my first time with a man. You get the picture, we stayed together through most of it. We were both initiated into the Death Eaters, I didn't cry from the pain when I was branded, I didn't gasp in pain, I just stood there as the darkness branded my arm, trying to forget the pain. Draco cried out, I never forget that, because people like me store all those things away in their minds to use later, he cried out because he was weak, I watched as the mark was branded onto his pale skin, once it was finished I then stepped forwards and took my place.

***

The Dark Lord gave Draco the job of getting the Death Eaters into the school. It was all my idea, it truly was, it was my idea about the room of requirement and letting them in through the cabinets. Voldemort knew that, he smiled at me and told me I was a clever girl, I felt proud, and then I helped Draco do it, noone ever realises quite how important I was to the plan. I have killed people, but they didn't put me in Azkaban because I was taught things from a young age, I didn't know right from wrong apparently. I did though, I simply didn't care about any of that, it didn't matter to me, it was irrelevant because I was brought up to be part of the Dark Lord's Death Eaters and I have never known any different. But they let me go and I thought Draco and I would pick up where we left off. We did not however. He told me that it was over, said that we couldn't carry on, I said I didn't care and walked way, the rejection scarring my heart, ripping it to shreds, ruining me. He married Astoria Greengrass, I was invited to the wedding, I did not reply to the card, I sent it back. I did not want to admit the fact that I had somehow fallen for Draco Malfoy.

I gave him everything, but in the end it wasn't enough I suppose, I helped him, I was the one who had the idea about getting the Death Eaters in, I was the one who was always there for him, I gave my virginity to him, he was also a virgin too until we slept together, but I gave up everything for him. I would sit and listen as he poured out his heart to me, I would be there when he needed a friend, who actually spoke coherent sentences, unlike Vince and Greg. I was the only open who knew about how he also poured his heart out to moaning Myrtle. Maybe that's why he finished it, because I knew all his weaknesses, his faults, all the bad things about him. Draco could never stand to be weak, let alone have anyone know about it. That didn't help to ease my pain as I received the invite, it was like he had done it on purpose to hurt me.

I hated the fact that I was so weak, I should not have fallen for him, I should not have been so weak to actually have emotions, I was so happy to be the emotionless Ice Queen, but he ruined that, he made me love him. But I would never admit that weakness, because when people know of your weaknesses they exploit them, use them against you, maybe that's what he was scared I would do. It matters little now, I haven't seen him for 7 years to be exact, and nor do I plan to see him. I have come to realise that I didn't ever love Draco, I simply loved to feel something other than bitterness and hate, I genuinely liked him, maybe I had a crush on him, but love is something barren to me, I have never felt it and I doubt I ever will. My parents never loved me really, they brought me up and cared for me in a way, but they never hugged me, or touched me unless they had to, of course my brothers and I shared a bond and I of course do care for them deeply, but I have never felt the warm embrace of love, Draco was the first person to hold me in the night and make love to me, he made me feel loved and special as we would lay in each others arms and he would whisper how I looked beautiful. Or some sentimental foolishness like that. I am no longer as foolish as I once was, Draco was just like me, his parents cared little for him like mine, he had no siblings. I know for a fact though that he also liked lying with me in the dead of night, he liked the way I always had a special smile for him, the way I was always there, the way that I cared for him and he cared for me. But Draco knows little of love, like me. That is why we stayed together so long, because we were desperate for some emotion, for some kind of reassurance that there was someone out there for us.

Like I said though, that's all irrelevant now, because now he has Astoria, I very much doubted there was much love in the marriage but Astoria was undoubtedly beautiful, her hair was a dark mahogany brown colour, it fell in curls to her slight shoulders, her skin was naturally olive coloured and she had vibrant blue eyes that seemed rather inquisitive, she had been a year or two younger than Draco and I in school, she was of course Daphne's younger sister. I couldn't help but wonder how Daphne felt about her younger sister marrying her long time crush, as when I had last spoken to her she undoubtedly still fancied herself in love with Draco.

***

"Mint Humbug." I said to the two gargoyles guarding Professor McGonagall's headmistress's office, in honour of Dumbledore they still had old fashioned muggle sweets as the password. The gargoyles moved back and the staircase was revealed, I walked up the staircase and through the open door into the large office.

"Hello Pansy, it's been too long. " Professor McGonagall said, I politely shook the hand she offered, I had not been back to Hogwarts since my 7th years, which was 7, nearly 8 years ago, but I had received a letter asking that me to meet with Professor McGonagall, so I had complied and there I was.

"And yourself Professor." I said politely, sitting on the seat that she gestured to in from of the wood desk.

"Really Pansy, I'm no longer your professor, it's Minerva." It felt weird to be back and no longer be a student.

"Of course Minerva." I said and let a rare smile spread across my ice like features, time had not marred my features, my eyes were large and the same peculiar but alluring pale green they had always been, rimmed by long, thick and black mascara coated lashes, my face was still as pale as it always had been, my cheekbones were high, my lips; rosebud shaped, full and pink. My waist was slim, but I did have some curves too, I was quite small, only 5ft 5, I had grown my hair out of the smart bob that I had at Hogwarts, and once again like it had been in my childhood it fell softly to my shoulders, curling into perfect ringlets at the bottom. It made my features seem slightly softer and less cold. But no amount of soft curls could hide the ice in my eyes, the hard set of my features, the terrible knowledge of a hard life that would stay forever in my eyes.

"Now Pansy, I called you here because we need a Potions teacher." She said.

"Oh I see, what had that got to do with me may I ask?" I said politely.

"You were always very good at potions in your year Pansy." She said.

"Hermione Granger was better." I said, Draco and I had always tied, never one better than the other in potions, but I didn't want to say his name.

"Ahh but Hermione was better than many people in many subjects, and I could hardly ask her to be the Professor of every subject now could I?" She said, a smiled on her face, she reminded me a lot of Professor Dumbledore, she lacked the twinkling blue eyes and the grey beard but they were alike all the same, personality wise maybe.

"I suppose not." I said quietly.

"So Pansy, will you take the position as the new Potions Mistress?" She asked, I smiled another rare smile, because I had always loved potions, they were simple really, as long as you followed instructions correctly you could make whatever you wanted, you had to be patient and you had to be careful, like revenge really.

"I would love to." I said after a little bit of deliberation, I didn't have a job anyway, when your as rich as I am jobs are hardly a necessity, the family fortune always kept me going. But a distraction would be nice I had thought.

"That's wonderful, term starts the first of September. You can take the train if you wish, or you can apperate to Hogsmede and walk in, or take a carriage." She said smiling, I nodded.

"I'll see what happens as the time goes, but yes I will be there on the first of September." I said.

"I look forward to seeing you, Professor Parkinson."

"And yourself Minerva." I said shaking her hand and then walked out the door of the office. I felt happy to be asked to take on such a responsibility, I knew that I would make a good potions teacher, although I would be fair to all houses, Slytherin would not be my favourite, I would treat everyone equally as was only fair after the war, because you can never be too sure what people might think, what people might say.

***

I stood in front of the classroom as my class got on with making the 'Draught of Death', I walked around the class inspecting the potions that my 7th years were brewing, it was my second year teaching at Hogwarts, but already I fit in happily, I was content. I enjoyed teaching people new things, I was happy to be teaching something I loved. The door opened and there stood Draco Malfoy, my heart didn't flutter like it always does in books, butterflies did not invade my stomach, nothing happened, the class turned and looked at him, people stopped working.

"Carry on with the potion everyone." I said and walked over to Draco, my black cloak billowing behind me. I felt as if to honour Snape I should make sure my cloak billowed like his, after all he taught me all I know about potions. "Can I help you Mr Malfoy?" I asked politely, acting as if I barely knew him, he smirked at me, my face stayed impassive.

"I'm one of the governor's of Hogwarts and I was just looking around the classes to see how everyone is getting on." He said.

"Very well." I said turning around and walking back to the front o the class as I glanced into Sophie Zanner's cauldron. "Very good Sophie, the perfect shade of dark purple." I said and smiled at her as I moved on, and looked into Alexander Tour's cauldron and frowned at the brown bubbling substance. "Did you want to start over Alexander, I don't think you'll be able to save this one?" I asked, he nodded sadly.

"I don't know what went wrong Professor, I tried really hard with this one." I nodded sympathetically.

"Don't worry, make sure this time that you double check every step of the recipe ok? If not triple check just to be sure." I said.

"Yes Professor." I nodded, disappearing his potion and walking on as he began to do it again. After a while of checking everyone's potions to make sure they were okay.

"Has everyone finished with the first set of instructions?" I asked, as the potion took at least a month to make and there were 3 different parts of it, which needed to be added each week, everyone nodded and their eyes were all trained on me as they sat down. I could feel Draco's eyes on me, but refused to meet his eyes with my own. "Now, I think that most people were okay with this potion, and if you weren't, don't worry we can keep trying until you get it right, I can always help." I said, "Now this is the easiest part of the potion, the next part we will start next week, can anyone tell me why the 'Draught of Death' must be made up in the three parts and at week intervals?" I asked. I noticed Amelia Spinner's hand in the air, she reminded me so much of Hermione Granger, desperate to always get the answers right, hiding her insecurity behind her books and knowledge.

"Yes Amelia?" I asked.

"It's because the ingredients used don't react well together, so you have to leave the Moonshade flower, in the first step of the potion, to stop it being so reactive and then only add the unicorn hair in the second step or a dangerous reaction could occur and it could be fatal to those standing near. " I nodded.

"Yes well done Amelia, does everyone understand?" I asked, people murmured and nodded their heads, I heard Draco clearing his throat in the back of the room, as I opened my mouth to begin to speak, I snapped it shut quickly, fixing my eyes on him. "Is there a problem Mr Malfoy?" I asked, irritation evident in my voice, my classes all knew that I hated to be interrupted and knew that if they did there would be a detention waiting for them if they did so.

"Yes, what is the relevance of these pupils knowing how to make the 'Draught of Death' surely you shouldn't be teaching these students how to kill?" He asked.

"Because if they know what this particular potion looks like and all the ingredients in it they will know never to drink it now will they." I said, a slight hint of amusement in my cold voice, my class laughed slightly.

"I don't think that this is an amusing matter Miss Parkinson, it's as bad as teaching them an unforgivable." He said.

"I'm sure they could learn such a spell on their own don't you Mr Malfoy?" I asked, ice colouring my voice.

"Yes, but you're actually teaching them how to poison someone." He said.

"I am well aware what I am teaching my students, they are 7th years, they are not young and naïve first years who do not know of the true danger of such a potion. They know the risks and they know that if they were to ever use such a potion a life in Azkaban would await them. They are not foolish. But it's important that they know of all the deadly potions out there. They should not leave Hogwarts without any knowledge of the true dangers in the world, of the deadly potions and unforgivable curses."

"How do you know they won't use the knowledge for bad?" He asked.

"Maybe they will, maybe they won't, but they could pick up an advanced potion book and find the instructions for making this potion, or many others like it." I said, justifying my actions.

"But it's still not good for them to have such knowledge." He said.

"Are you the head of the school Mr Malfoy?" I asked, he shook his head, "No you are not, Professor McGonagall is, if you have a problem with what I am teaching my advanced class of 7th years then you should take it up with her, she approves of what I teach my class. Your opinion I'm afraid matters little Mr Malfoy. You may be a governor, but you are not the Headmaster." I said turning back to my class, "I'm afraid that it seems to be the end of class, you are dismissed." I said they hastily picked up their things and exited the classroom.

"I always like arguing with you Pansy." Draco said, I looked up at him, I had thought he had gone.

"So did I, I always liked winning." I replied.

"Come now Pansy, you didn't always win, we were fairly matched."

"Maybe we were, I don't remember." I said, putting things way.

"It's been too long Pansy." He said, I turned to face him, we were a few feet apart, he had gown up in the past 7 years, he looked older, a few more wrinkles here and there, taller and older looking.

"7 years Draco." I said.

"You didn't come to my wedding." He said somewhat sadly.

"I was busy, my apologies." I said, my voice was a complete opposite of my words, I didn't sound at all apologetic.

"You could have replied." He said.

"I didn't have a quill to hand." I said.

"Do you hate me Pans?" He asked.

"No, I dislike you, I don't hate you." I said.

"Why do you dislike me Pansy?" He asked.

"Because I do."

"Because I dumped you?" He asked, I laughed, it was cold and hard, my eyes were full of dislike.

"No Draco, you used me, you made me care about you, and I didn't want to, I didn't want to care about anyone, I wanted to stay neither liking nor disliking anyone. I was happy, but I gave you so much Draco. I was there for you when your father beat you and your mother was in one her states, I held you hand when you cried, I wiped away the tears when you were upset about all the expectations, I kept your secrets when noone else could be trusted. I looked out for you Draco, I came up with the idea to get the Death Eaters into Hogwarts so Voldemort didn't kill you. I smiled at you when you were down, I gave my virginity to you when in all honesty I would have rather waited, but no, you wanted to have sex, so I fucking did! I was the one who held your hand when you found out he wanted you to kill Dumbledore. And then you just left me Draco, you dumped me for Astoria fucking Greengrass, I was meant to be your friend, sure I was your girlfriend too, but I was your friend first. You didn't spare my feeling when you told me it was over, you knew I cared about you Draco and I helped you through it all. But you fucking threw it all back in my face like the total utter fucker you are!" I said angrily, he leant forwards and kissed me, I don't know what I was doing, but I kissed him back and one thing led to another. I had sex with Draco Malfoy on the desk in my Potions classroom.

***

I knew as soon as I started being sick in the morning and when I started to crave ungodly foods at stupid hours that I was paying dearly for not using the contraceptive charm that day with Draco over a month ago. So I sent him an owl and asked him to meet me by the Whomping Willow.

He was already there when I walked towards him, we were far enough away so that the tree would not attack us,

"What was it you wanted Pansy?" He asked impatiently, looking around himself.

"I'm pregnant Draco and it's yours. I… I think I'm going to keep it." I said quickly looking up from my feet and at his face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You're not fit to be a mother! Your so selfish Pansy, you're a cold hearted bitch, you always have been, you were brought up a biter and twisted little girl, you never cared about anyone other than yourself! How can you justify bringing a child into the world when it will end up like you, a hate filled little girl. Answer me this Pansy how did you end up like this? How did you become so very cruel?

"I bet you have the child, just to screw up my marriage, just to ruin everything I've worked for. To get me back for dumping you, I mean you say you don't care, but you hate rejection don't you Pansy! You hate everyone actually, you even hate yourself. You've always been so vindictive and spiteful, you'd cut off your own nose to spite your face. You'll screw up your own life just to screw up mine along the way, if your going down you'll take me with you won't you!? Well let me tell you this Pansy, I won't let you ruin my life, I've only just managed to get it back on track again. So you can just fuck off.

"I don't care about what we once were, or what we could have been, you say you weren't in love with me and I believe you, because a sad little girl like you could never love anyone. And I can hardly say that you love yourself, because you don't, you hate yourself more than you hate the life you've lead, I'm only surprised you haven't killed yourself yet, but you always were full of willpower. Always ready to go that extra mile to get everything just right. Spare yourself and this poor child the pain of bringing another unloved person into the world, because noone loved you and you can't love Pansy so noone will love the poor thing.

"Do you actually think I care about you, or this child? Because I don't Pansy, I don't give a shit about you, I had sex with you because I am in a way still attracted to you. Not because of the friendship we once had. But because you were great in bed Pansy, that's why I stuck with you so long, not even my own wife lives up to the expectations that I have after being with you for years. You're a good fuck Pansy and that's it. You should have been a fucking hooker, not a potions teacher. " He said spitefully finishing his rant, it did hurt because some of that was the truth and the truth hurts, I already knew those things, but it hurts when someone actually tells you these things. It stung as I looked into his eyes, knowing he was telling the truth, but I wasn't doing it to spite him.

"Well then , I hope you never have a child, because loving you would be that child's worst mistake in it's life, you'll end up like your father, a power crazed maniac and Astoria will be a horrible mother to have, she won't give a shit about anyone but herself, that's why you married her isn't it? You're both stuck up insignificant little people desperate for attention. And if I do have my baby it won't be anything to do with you, I thought I should tell you out of courtesy but I wouldn't let you near any child of mine, not a million years. Because we both know that you'd be a terrible father. You'd probably get into one of your rages and kill it, and don't talk to me about being unloved, because noone loves you Draco and you certainly can't love anyone back." I said turning away and walking off.

"Nobody's as incapable at loving as you Pansy; even I could love something in this world, whereas you couldn't love anyone. Ever. Because you're cold hearted, noone has ever loved you, so you don't know what it's like to feel loved. My mother loved me, for all her faults she still cared. Whereas your mother and father didn't care, and you brothers? If they had never been loved, how could they ever love someone else?" He asked as I walked away, placing hand over my stomach and the unborn child I already loved. For all my faults I knew that I could love, this child could piece together the pieces of my heart that never had a chance to be whole in the first place, my child could thaw me and make me into a good mother who could love her child more than life itself. I know this much about life; you can always change, you can always do better, you can move on and begin a new life. But do it better the next time.

***

My baby turned out to be two babies, two beautiful twins, a boy and a girl, I had them the day after my 26th birthday. Edward Ralph Parkinson was born on the 7th May two minutes before his sister Evie-Rose Adelaide Parkinson. I moved away from everyone, I handed in my notice at Hogwarts after only two years of working there and I left England completely. I now live in a small muggle village in France called Jalogny, I am only in contact with my brothers, mainly Zachary though.

I sent Draco a letter telling him of the birth of his children, I said that I didn't want, nor expect a reply, I didn't receive one. It was simply out of courtesy. And this is my life now, I live with my children, they're 6 now, I will of course send them to Hogwarts when they're 11. They truly did thaw my heart, and I do love them, Draco was wrong about me, everyone was wrong about me.

I heard about the birth of Draco and Astoria's child, a few months after Evie and Edward's birth. I am happy for him, I truly am, he has a life now, I hope he loves his child as much as I love mine.

And here you have it, this is the real story of why I am like I am, or why I _was_ like that. Because I've changed now, I am no longer the desperately unloved girl I used to be, I am happy now.

Goodbye.

**So I actually really like Pansy Parkinson, she's an interesting character.**

**She's good to write FF about because we don't know much about her life or anything.**

**I hope you've liked this.**

**Please review and tell me what you think.**

**:D**

**MyLookOfDenial.**

**XXX**


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